Growing up I would get so much anxiety when i was going on the swings at the park. I thought if I swung too high I’d fall into another dimension and never find my way home. Thats kind of what mental illness feels like for me. Like I was being pushed further and further screaming ‘how high can i go’ and suddenly a switch flipped and I got trapped in this dark and empty world with crumbling buildings and people that didnt quite understand.
Pulling myself out of bed is a task and a half and just being awake drains all of my energy like I’m perpetually stuck on ‘low battery, please charge’. I find myself revelling in the moments when the sky goes gray and the heavens open to dump bucketfuls of rain that welcome sleep with ease. People ask often why I sleep so much during the day, and tell me that I shouldnt because It disturbs my sleep at night. But the devil in my head thinks sleep is for the dead and so I take every chance I can get to rest my head and doze off.
Theres still a huge stigma around mental illness despite people talking about it. We get shamed if taking care of ourselves is different from how others do it and I think thats a big issue that we as a society still need to work on. Yes, having a walk or a hot bath is lovely sometimes, but when you feel like you’re six feet down, being safe is self care. Making sure you have food and a drink and sleeping when you can is so important, and even that can be so hard.
Having dealt with depression and anxiety for my entire life, I’ve always struggled with that. I still do. Sometimes isolating myself is the only way that I can survive, and thats okay. Its okay to eat whatever sounds appealing even if its not ‘healthy’, its okay to drink your favourite drink to stay hydrated if thats what it takes. Hell, if you wanna sleep with a stuffed animal and a blanket at any age to give yourself some comfort, go right ahead.
That is self care right there. Knowing the things that you need in order to be okay and letting yourself have them. Taking time to learn things about yourself, even if that means you end up being incognito for a while. In the end the only person you owe anything to is yourself.
To me, healing isnt something that just happens. There’s always going to be a part of you that wants to go back into old habits, a part of you that wants to give up. Theres going to be times when all you can do is just lay in bed and think about how crappy things are, and thats more than okay. Thats why having a great support system is super helpful. Having someone you can go to and tell anything to, in a healthy and respectful way, can make things just that little bit easier. Saying ‘hey, I’m having a hard time right now’ and devising a plan on how they can support you is a good way to go about it. For example, these are some of the things the people I love help me with when I’m struggling:

• Encouraging me to eat and drink and take care of myself (a difficult task, but its nice when people show they care)
• Physical affection (I love cuddles, it helps a lot to be tightly snuggled by someone I love. But also there are times where I dont want to be touched and thats okay, its nice just to be next to someone sometimes.)
• Sending memes or funny videos (do I need to say more?)
• Music (my sweet sweet partner made me a playlist and its so nice to have for when I’m having a hard time so that I can feel connected and remind myself of all the things I have. Music is also a great distraction)
• Listening to me vent (Having them validate my emotions but also ground me is really helpful)

There are things that people dont talk about. The aftermath of trauma that brings so many things along with it. The constant need for reassurance, the anger, the sadness and the guilt for being happy because you dont feel like you deserve it. How tiring it is. Especially when youre young, people tend to give you the old ‘when I was your age…’ or ‘you’re young! you have no reason to be so sad and tired all the time’. Its frustrating, especially when it comes from people that are supposed to be on your side and support you. The truth is, nobody knows what youre going through or how it feels. My depression isnt like yours or theirs or anybodys. Its mine. Same symptoms? Maybe, but who can tell you how youre feeling and really understand if they’re not you? Everybody feels, sees, hears and does things differently. The mental health system can try and put us in boxes, tell us that we dont fit a criteria for things, but nobody is the same. They can only tell you what they see on the outside.

We’re all weird here… x